saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
