i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
