so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
