And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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