you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
