Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Houston, we have a blender
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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