Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
