guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
