I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
