ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
