omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
