Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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