This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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