She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
