I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
two words: eviction party
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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