I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
