I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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