Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
