My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
