Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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