Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Vodka?
Forever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
