i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
