my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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