Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
