Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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