Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sorry about my life...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
