I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I smell stomach acid.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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