I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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