dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
