I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
