you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
