My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
