I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
