The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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