I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
nutella sex= disaster
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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