the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
