oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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