I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
