...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
