we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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