The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
