Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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