I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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