Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Randomize
