I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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