I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
