Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
