Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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