from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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