I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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