i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
