just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
